Thursday 8 August 2013

Becoming Katy Cambridge

Another beautiful day in Cornwall! And being forced into staying at home to wait for a wedding gift delivery from Abe's Grandad Robin, has given me the perfect opportunity to sit and write. And I have needed this self-therapy for a few weeks.
So, here I sit, in the shed, looking out the window over the piles of clutter that are obscuring the view; washing hanging on the line: his and hers. Fairy lights dangling: an addition to the garden that we purchased together. Plant pots filled with growing vegetables: there to feed us.
Being engaged has been a two year, long process. A process involving positive and negative experiences that come like the waves of the great blue sea. Quite often, I would listen to other people's conversations who had found themselves in the waiting line to becoming married. A common theme of discussion seems to be:
"Will this change anything?"

At first, I thought "Not a lot, no."

Then I thought "Perhaps a little, yes."

And then, today, whilst going through online articles to suss out whether having anxieties and cold feet before getting married is normal (it, apparently is), I realised that:

"Actually, this changes quite a lot."

A fundamental issue that had been bubbling up behind a cupboard door was the idea of leaving my past behind.

*SWOOOOSH*

A gust of wind has blown that door right open!

Leaving the little girl, who loved climbing trees, playing with her dog, fighting with her brothers, needing her Mummy and Daddy behind is the issue that has bubbled out of the cupboard door and is now resting on the carpet in front of me.

Becoming a wife, for me, means just that. Leaving my history at bay and beginning a new journey with a new person - that person becoming my family. Of course, I know that I will be able to be with my family and be part of my family whenever I want to be. But marriage is something else: it is signing up to being the one who supports another, to being responsible, to becoming a duo rather than a singular or as part of a pack. And, dare I say it, it is preparation for creating a loving space to raise a family.

I have gathered a large cloth and am beginning to mop up the issue from the carpet and ring it out in a bucket.

"Katy Port, is going to become Katy Cambridge." I tell myself.


Becoming Katy Cambridge means a world of new opportunities, of new love...

and it means acceptance of leaving behind Katy Port. 


Still an element of question at the unknown, this isn't an issue that can be completely mopped up in the writings of one session. It is all part of the epic journey of life.